I knew that today I needed to write about 9/11. My first thought was WTF does 9/11 have to do with your transition etc? And the answer is not really anything, directly. But that day affected out whole world, and each of us individually in a way that swayed the course of humanity, and our lives individually. Mine included.
I was 12 years old on 9/11. Getting ready for another day of eigth grade, in my first few months in public school. I remember it so clearly because as I stumbled across the hall to the bathroom, my mom came into the bathroom and shut the door behind herself. She told me to sit down on the toilet for a minute. I thought for sure I was in trouble, or someone had died. Something.
"I am telling you in here because I don't want to scare your sister (who was 8 at the time)." I sat, blank faced. "Tell me WHAT?" (my true pre-teen impatient-early-morning-attitude shows here)
My mom held her hands together, as if praying. "Terrorists have hit the world trade centers with airplanes. There are a lot of people hurt and dead. Its chaos". I could not, in my world expierence *GRASP* in that moment, what the hell that meant. I rallied. "wait, what do you mean terrorist? Whats the world trade center???!"
My mom patiently explained the bare bones details. I felt cold . Everyone ate breakfast in silence. My mom drove me to school, where for the next eight hours, lesson plans laid cast aside, we watched ALL day the endless news coverage. A kid in my class kept asking how many people were dead. My teachers gathered in the hallways, a lot of them were crying. They kept showing that clip over and over and over.. You know the one... the one of people jumping out of the highest floors of the towers. We were all in shock.
I knew in my heart that the world would be different, but I had no idea in how many ways.
Then everyone started buying flags, and putting stickers on thier car. We felt helpless from 3,000 miles away. What could WE do?
I thought a lot about it. I bought newspapers (and still have them.) But I could NOT bring myself to have the same reaction as everyone I knew. I couldn't muster up the rage that they did, mostly I was just....sad. I remember watching a lot of specials on TV. Mostly the ones about the incredible bravery and selfless courage of all the people, the thousands of people who ran INTO the burning buildings instead of out of them, stayed in that smoldering pile of wreckage, breathing in that horrible particled debris, ruining thier lungs, pushing thier bodies, to recover bits and peices of friends, co-workers, and complete strangers. They stayed, until the job was done. That's the remarkable part of this.
A few years later, when George Bush, cited 9/11 as the main cause for going to war, I remember being so frustrated. (And suspcious, let me to tell you). I remember watching "operation shock and awe' On tv, and while my mom and step-dad cheered on our efforts, I sat on the floor and cried. How did killing more people (who, really had nothing to do with 9/11 anyways) "avenge" that tragedy? I didn't. It still hasn't.
I spent much of high school a very vocal opponent to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. It was not a very popular sentiment, let me tell you. But, what cemented it for me, was seeing kids my age, coming home in boxes, with a thank you note from the army. Mothers and fathers, brothers, spouses across the world, doing the same thing. Everyone was mourning losses, and no one was winning.
This is now officially, America's longest war. Spawned from the greatest tragedy on American soil. Politics, and international relations are complicated, and nothing is black and white, this is a world bathed in gray.But, I think a commitment to STOP killing people, policing our ideals all over the world, and instead fostering a global community of true communication and compromise, would make the world a much better place to be. Don't you think?
Making a commitmet to true peace is MUCH harder than waging a war. But so far, this other way clearly hasn't accomplished what is needed.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Sunrise/Sunset
In an hour or so, the sun will start to rise over my left shoulder. In my head, I'm holding up the freemont bridge as a I sit here. Only late night/early morning trucks rumble across the ample double decker bridge; careening and crisscrossing states and sewing us all together.
I'm feeling that itch again. A restlessness. Blame my mother for moving us around so much as kids. I never learned the value of roots. Im feeling the need again to shake this town and head for a different coast all together. But I wont go, where else am I going to find trans healthcare, nine months of overcast cloudy weather and an affordable cost of living? Nowhere in this country, thats for sure. And I love this city, it feels like my first love, where I cut my teeth, and the palms of my hands on the real world. But I often feel the need to dissapear into the endless streams of people. Somewhere anonymous.
*poof*
I'm feeling that itch again. A restlessness. Blame my mother for moving us around so much as kids. I never learned the value of roots. Im feeling the need again to shake this town and head for a different coast all together. But I wont go, where else am I going to find trans healthcare, nine months of overcast cloudy weather and an affordable cost of living? Nowhere in this country, thats for sure. And I love this city, it feels like my first love, where I cut my teeth, and the palms of my hands on the real world. But I often feel the need to dissapear into the endless streams of people. Somewhere anonymous.
*poof*
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
The last word
Last weekend, my sister Emily gradutated from highschool. Valedictorian,cheerleading captain, excellent student, scholarship to UofO. The whole nine yards. She is everything my parents ever wanted out of a child. Standing in stark and obvious contrast to eachother, our whole lives, It has never failed to be mentioned that she is the example I should be living up to.
what.the.fuck.ever.
This is not to say I am not proud of what she has accomplished. I feel like she is going to do great things in her life. I have no doubt. But I am not less than, because I have chosen to do things differently. And I refuse to believe anything different.
Today, in the mail my mom sent me one of her senior pictures, and a note. In the note she mentioned how she thought I would appreciate getting the picture (which, I did) and that she hopes "Emily and I can resolve things" someday...She also mentioned that I will never be anything but (insert birth name here) to them, and how if I MUST be someone else to others, thats fine, but I will always be (birthname) to them.
And these, are things that you do not expect on a tuesday in the mail. To be sideswiped by anger, and hurt and sadness. These are things that wait silently in the back of my brain until I see my moms tell-tale scrawl on a piece of paper.
I have struggled, and fought and wrestled with (specifically) my mom and sister for YEARS. and I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being the bigger person, I'm tired of searching for the last possibly once of compassion and somehow making myself sane and calm enough to carry on some communication when in reality I just want to shake the both of them and scream.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!
But instead I smoke and drive around my city and listen to music. Instead I write stupid blogs that no one will read. Instead I will live my life, unapologetically and hope one day they understand. Instead I will tape my sisters picture to my fridge, and hope for the best possible future.
-Connor
what.the.fuck.ever.
This is not to say I am not proud of what she has accomplished. I feel like she is going to do great things in her life. I have no doubt. But I am not less than, because I have chosen to do things differently. And I refuse to believe anything different.
Today, in the mail my mom sent me one of her senior pictures, and a note. In the note she mentioned how she thought I would appreciate getting the picture (which, I did) and that she hopes "Emily and I can resolve things" someday...She also mentioned that I will never be anything but (insert birth name here) to them, and how if I MUST be someone else to others, thats fine, but I will always be (birthname) to them.
And these, are things that you do not expect on a tuesday in the mail. To be sideswiped by anger, and hurt and sadness. These are things that wait silently in the back of my brain until I see my moms tell-tale scrawl on a piece of paper.
I have struggled, and fought and wrestled with (specifically) my mom and sister for YEARS. and I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being the bigger person, I'm tired of searching for the last possibly once of compassion and somehow making myself sane and calm enough to carry on some communication when in reality I just want to shake the both of them and scream.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!
But instead I smoke and drive around my city and listen to music. Instead I write stupid blogs that no one will read. Instead I will live my life, unapologetically and hope one day they understand. Instead I will tape my sisters picture to my fridge, and hope for the best possible future.
-Connor
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Update!
I realized tonight that I haven't updated in almost two months! (A far cry from the multiple times a week postings I was doin this winter!)
Well, here's whats up. Last month I hit my six months on T. Running on a .05ml dose every 10 days.. Just had my checkup at the clinic yesterday and got the cycle changed to every 7 days, I'm hoping that will push things along and alleviate some of the icky crampy-ness I've been experiencing.
As far as changes go, its hard for me to really notice all that much. But I am getting consistently "Sir'd" now out in the world, mostly due to the voice, which is pretty low now. Other than that I've got fur coming in all the normal places, but my face fuzz seems to be taking forever. I'm impatient, I know.
I'm still working, living, doing the grownup thing. In the process of buying a car, we'll see how that pans out.
I feel like when i look in the mirror, or in pictures I look the same, but who knows.
Ive done some more processing/thinking about what I want from my involvement in the kink/leather communities, and after having spent a weekend in Boise, ID with a friend for a leather event, my direction seems more clear.
I met a lot of really awesome people that weekend, and while I still have a lot of learning/growing to do I think I really want to pursue a direction in the official community, if nothing else because it will provide me the conduit to work inside a community and give back. I miss that.
The men I met in Boise, specifically Sir Darian (NW leather SIR 2011) and Sir Hugh (International Leather Sir 2011) had very similar ideas as I about the purpose of ones place in these communities and spaces, and I look forward to any further interactions with these fantastic men I have the future.
These men, among others have helped me realize that my anxiety surrounding "starting at the bottom" Is normal, and that the satisfaction I will feel if I can push through my anxiety, will be immense.
So, I am beginning in my process of identifying as a "boy". A beginner, a novice.
Dedicated to service and learning.
here we go!
-Connor
Well, here's whats up. Last month I hit my six months on T. Running on a .05ml dose every 10 days.. Just had my checkup at the clinic yesterday and got the cycle changed to every 7 days, I'm hoping that will push things along and alleviate some of the icky crampy-ness I've been experiencing.
As far as changes go, its hard for me to really notice all that much. But I am getting consistently "Sir'd" now out in the world, mostly due to the voice, which is pretty low now. Other than that I've got fur coming in all the normal places, but my face fuzz seems to be taking forever. I'm impatient, I know.
I'm still working, living, doing the grownup thing. In the process of buying a car, we'll see how that pans out.
I feel like when i look in the mirror, or in pictures I look the same, but who knows.
Ive done some more processing/thinking about what I want from my involvement in the kink/leather communities, and after having spent a weekend in Boise, ID with a friend for a leather event, my direction seems more clear.
 |
| Boise Leather Weekend, 2011 |
The men I met in Boise, specifically Sir Darian (NW leather SIR 2011) and Sir Hugh (International Leather Sir 2011) had very similar ideas as I about the purpose of ones place in these communities and spaces, and I look forward to any further interactions with these fantastic men I have the future.
These men, among others have helped me realize that my anxiety surrounding "starting at the bottom" Is normal, and that the satisfaction I will feel if I can push through my anxiety, will be immense.
So, I am beginning in my process of identifying as a "boy". A beginner, a novice.
Dedicated to service and learning.
here we go!
-Connor
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Stepping down to my knees
There has been this idea hurricane mulling around my brain. After almost two years of hanging around on the outskirts of the kink/leather/BDSM communities, I think I am finally ready to give myself over to the project of really exploring these things. I feel like I have spent the last nine months or so recovering, healing, playing and generally not taking things very seriously, giving myself a break if you will.
But for some time, I have been slowly researching and meditating on a couple facets of this.
1.Fully stepping into "offiicial" communities of kinksters,leather folks,faeries, service folks, etc. Committing to doing that scary part of going to meet a shit ton of people I don't know. Being open to the process of stepping into a world not yet my own.
2. Committing to starting at the very very bottom of these ranks of fine folks (a hard thing for us prideful fire signs to do) Submitting myself to the process, to the knowledge and skill of others.
3.Committing to a yet-to-be-determined length of 'service'. Spending one month, six months, a year, giving my body, time, and skills to both this project, and more specifically, the communities and spaces that have served me and my community. I don't want to be just a "taker" anymore. This does not just include queer/kink spaces. This is a broader reaching idea.
These ideas are not fully formed as of yet, but there are things I know for sure. I want to be a part of the rites,traditions and history found in these amazing communities. I want to learn, better myself, and most importantly of all, allow myself (and sometimes force myself, again pride) to be humbled,to listen more, and talk less. There are many things to learn. There are many people to learn from. I have often found myself identifying as a Daddy/Dom ( and I do believe that is where I will be someday) but, in all honesty,I haven't earned that title, I'm just getting started. Its time to step back and start from the right place.
I am not one that finds it comfortable on my 'knees' so to speak. I don't tend to be real happy or comfy in a subservient position. But it has become glaringly obvious that this is what I need to do.
That all being said, I am actively putting it "out there" that I am looking for mentors/teachers in this process. I have many friends who's training/mentoring "plates" are full to capacity, and so I am having to look outside my immediate circle. If anyone could help in this endevour, please don't hesitate to email me at
connorbraddockpdx@gmail.com
Thank you all!
Much love!
-Connor.
But for some time, I have been slowly researching and meditating on a couple facets of this.
1.Fully stepping into "offiicial" communities of kinksters,leather folks,faeries, service folks, etc. Committing to doing that scary part of going to meet a shit ton of people I don't know. Being open to the process of stepping into a world not yet my own.
2. Committing to starting at the very very bottom of these ranks of fine folks (a hard thing for us prideful fire signs to do) Submitting myself to the process, to the knowledge and skill of others.
3.Committing to a yet-to-be-determined length of 'service'. Spending one month, six months, a year, giving my body, time, and skills to both this project, and more specifically, the communities and spaces that have served me and my community. I don't want to be just a "taker" anymore. This does not just include queer/kink spaces. This is a broader reaching idea.
These ideas are not fully formed as of yet, but there are things I know for sure. I want to be a part of the rites,traditions and history found in these amazing communities. I want to learn, better myself, and most importantly of all, allow myself (and sometimes force myself, again pride) to be humbled,to listen more, and talk less. There are many things to learn. There are many people to learn from. I have often found myself identifying as a Daddy/Dom ( and I do believe that is where I will be someday) but, in all honesty,I haven't earned that title, I'm just getting started. Its time to step back and start from the right place.
I am not one that finds it comfortable on my 'knees' so to speak. I don't tend to be real happy or comfy in a subservient position. But it has become glaringly obvious that this is what I need to do.
That all being said, I am actively putting it "out there" that I am looking for mentors/teachers in this process. I have many friends who's training/mentoring "plates" are full to capacity, and so I am having to look outside my immediate circle. If anyone could help in this endevour, please don't hesitate to email me at
connorbraddockpdx@gmail.com
Thank you all!
Much love!
-Connor.
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Someone like you.
Okay, I'm having an emo night. One too many Adele tracks will do that to a guy.
ACK.
After a serious over-lunch convo with my bff I was left to contemplate that ever present question "what do you want Connor?" I think I can place some blame on my mother, training us since birth to subvert all needs emotional or otherwise for god, families, and partners. I don't think I have yet learned how to find value in my own personal needs/wants, or even know how to recognize them.
I have this tendency to throw myself headlong into things. Especially people.And causes. And causes that ARE people. It's been almost a year since I walked away from the relationship I had given everything to for two years. Its hard to not be bitter and angsty some days, but for the most part, I'm fine. I just find myself wondering in that Connor way, how to find balance.
I feel like every single twenty something queer is living this life as a part of a dynamic that is foreign to me. It's interesting and fascinating and I enjoy visiting, but at my core I know I want something different. I feel like sometimes, there is this unspoken pressure in my community (and I recognize that its entirely possible that it's self imposed.) To be poly,open,dating,no-strings-attached, free spirits. And let me start by saying I respect these dynamics, I am often jealous of them. But non-attached-dating land is one I only really want to visit for a time, to have experiences. I don't want to live there necessarily.
At my core, I eventually ( and eventually is really the key word here) really want a primary, romantic, partner. One with whom I can have a home. This is not to say that sexually I don't enjoy playing even within a relationship, I do. And I think that a relationship that is strong enough and has developed the level of trust that is required to play with other people is a really beautiful thing. I'm not saying that I want to get married tomorrow. I'm over that compulsion, thanks. But, I am saying I would like to date in a way that it progresses, over time.
I think part of me thought that testosterone would be a magical cure all for being a super squishy sensitive guy. It wasn't. It has allowed me a very healthy way to separate sex and love when I want to, but really, at my core I am still that squishy guy, just with more furry-ness now.
I have spent the last year or so, throwing myself into experiences that have been both beneficial and harmful. I have surrounded myself with some amazing, beautiful people who have taught me to be more comfortable with my sexuality and the ways that it changes and grows. I am so thankful for this. I think I need to work on healing my heart though, and making myself aware and awake to the love that exists in the universe. All kinds of love. Friendship love, family love, romantic love, spiritual love. Love is out there. Its okay to ask for it.
I am exactly where I need to be.
I'm asking for it all.
-Connor
ACK.
After a serious over-lunch convo with my bff I was left to contemplate that ever present question "what do you want Connor?" I think I can place some blame on my mother, training us since birth to subvert all needs emotional or otherwise for god, families, and partners. I don't think I have yet learned how to find value in my own personal needs/wants, or even know how to recognize them.
I have this tendency to throw myself headlong into things. Especially people.And causes. And causes that ARE people. It's been almost a year since I walked away from the relationship I had given everything to for two years. Its hard to not be bitter and angsty some days, but for the most part, I'm fine. I just find myself wondering in that Connor way, how to find balance.
I feel like every single twenty something queer is living this life as a part of a dynamic that is foreign to me. It's interesting and fascinating and I enjoy visiting, but at my core I know I want something different. I feel like sometimes, there is this unspoken pressure in my community (and I recognize that its entirely possible that it's self imposed.) To be poly,open,dating,no-strings-attached, free spirits. And let me start by saying I respect these dynamics, I am often jealous of them. But non-attached-dating land is one I only really want to visit for a time, to have experiences. I don't want to live there necessarily.
At my core, I eventually ( and eventually is really the key word here) really want a primary, romantic, partner. One with whom I can have a home. This is not to say that sexually I don't enjoy playing even within a relationship, I do. And I think that a relationship that is strong enough and has developed the level of trust that is required to play with other people is a really beautiful thing. I'm not saying that I want to get married tomorrow. I'm over that compulsion, thanks. But, I am saying I would like to date in a way that it progresses, over time.
I think part of me thought that testosterone would be a magical cure all for being a super squishy sensitive guy. It wasn't. It has allowed me a very healthy way to separate sex and love when I want to, but really, at my core I am still that squishy guy, just with more furry-ness now.
I have spent the last year or so, throwing myself into experiences that have been both beneficial and harmful. I have surrounded myself with some amazing, beautiful people who have taught me to be more comfortable with my sexuality and the ways that it changes and grows. I am so thankful for this. I think I need to work on healing my heart though, and making myself aware and awake to the love that exists in the universe. All kinds of love. Friendship love, family love, romantic love, spiritual love. Love is out there. Its okay to ask for it.
I am exactly where I need to be.
I'm asking for it all.
-Connor
Friday, April 1, 2011
Birthday
**Sorry that I have been lax on updating. I don't have a computer, so I now I have to rely on friends and coworkers for the use of the computers.**
Hello friends-
Last weekend was my 23rd birthday. WOW how time flies. I can't believe that I have been back in Portland a almost a year, and been on testosterone for four months! I had a wonderful birthday, filled with friends and family and, yes, some tequilla ;)
The more time passes on this journey the more I want to document it all, all the steps, the changes, the processes. I want to be able to look back some day and be able to see it all, from start to.....current day. ( I don't believe that my "transition" has an end date)
The thing that is currently stressing me out is that the farther I go into this process, the more I become myself, the less option I have to "come out" to people as trans in my own time frame. I imagine when I see friends/family from the past it will immediately be noticable that my appearance is different. Even now, with my voice deeper, and some facial hair coming in, I sometimes dread seeing old friends/family members.
This is not a particularly inspired post, but I wanted to post some pictures from my birthday too :) Enjoy!
-Connor
Hello friends-
Last weekend was my 23rd birthday. WOW how time flies. I can't believe that I have been back in Portland a almost a year, and been on testosterone for four months! I had a wonderful birthday, filled with friends and family and, yes, some tequilla ;)
The more time passes on this journey the more I want to document it all, all the steps, the changes, the processes. I want to be able to look back some day and be able to see it all, from start to.....current day. ( I don't believe that my "transition" has an end date)
The thing that is currently stressing me out is that the farther I go into this process, the more I become myself, the less option I have to "come out" to people as trans in my own time frame. I imagine when I see friends/family from the past it will immediately be noticable that my appearance is different. Even now, with my voice deeper, and some facial hair coming in, I sometimes dread seeing old friends/family members.
This is not a particularly inspired post, but I wanted to post some pictures from my birthday too :) Enjoy!
-Connor
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