Someone like you.

Okay, I'm having an emo night. One too many Adele tracks will do that to a guy.

ACK.

After a serious over-lunch convo with my bff I was left to contemplate that ever present question "what do you want Connor?" I think I can place some blame on my mother, training us since birth to subvert all needs emotional or otherwise for god, families, and partners. I don't think I have yet learned how to find value in my own personal needs/wants, or even know how to recognize them.

I have this tendency to throw myself headlong into things. Especially people.And causes. And causes that ARE people. It's been almost a year since I walked away from the relationship I had given everything to for two years. Its hard to not be bitter and angsty some days, but for the most part, I'm fine. I just find myself wondering in that Connor way, how to find balance.

I feel like every single twenty something queer is living this life as a part of a dynamic that is foreign to me. It's interesting and fascinating and I enjoy visiting, but at my core I know I want something different. I feel like sometimes, there is this unspoken pressure in  my community (and I recognize that its entirely possible that it's self imposed.) To be poly,open,dating,no-strings-attached, free spirits. And let me start by saying I respect these dynamics, I am often jealous of them. But non-attached-dating land is one I only really want to visit for a time, to have experiences. I don't want to live there necessarily.

At my core, I eventually ( and eventually is really the key word here) really want a primary, romantic, partner. One with whom I can have a home. This is not to say that sexually I don't enjoy playing even within a relationship, I do. And I think that a relationship that is strong enough and has developed the level of trust that is required to play with other people is a really beautiful thing. I'm not saying that I want to get married tomorrow. I'm over that compulsion, thanks. But, I am saying I would like to date in a way that it progresses, over time.

I think part of me thought that testosterone would be a magical cure all for being a super squishy sensitive guy. It wasn't. It has allowed me a very healthy way to separate sex and love when I want to, but really, at my core I am still that squishy guy, just with more furry-ness now.

I have spent the last year or so, throwing myself into experiences that have been both beneficial and harmful. I have surrounded myself with some amazing, beautiful people who have taught me to be more comfortable with my sexuality and the ways that it changes and grows. I am so thankful for this. I think I need to work on healing my heart though, and making myself aware and awake to the love that exists in the universe.  All kinds of love. Friendship love, family love, romantic love, spiritual love. Love is out there. Its okay to ask for it.

I am exactly where I need to be.
I'm asking for it all.

-Connor