Last weekend, my sister Emily gradutated from highschool. Valedictorian,cheerleading captain, excellent student, scholarship to UofO. The whole nine yards. She is everything my parents ever wanted out of a child. Standing in stark and obvious contrast to eachother, our whole lives, It has never failed to be mentioned that she is the example I should be living up to.
what.the.fuck.ever.
This is not to say I am not proud of what she has accomplished. I feel like she is going to do great things in her life. I have no doubt. But I am not less than, because I have chosen to do things differently. And I refuse to believe anything different.
Today, in the mail my mom sent me one of her senior pictures, and a note. In the note she mentioned how she thought I would appreciate getting the picture (which, I did) and that she hopes "Emily and I can resolve things" someday...She also mentioned that I will never be anything but (insert birth name here) to them, and how if I MUST be someone else to others, thats fine, but I will always be (birthname) to them.
And these, are things that you do not expect on a tuesday in the mail. To be sideswiped by anger, and hurt and sadness. These are things that wait silently in the back of my brain until I see my moms tell-tale scrawl on a piece of paper.
I have struggled, and fought and wrestled with (specifically) my mom and sister for YEARS. and I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being the bigger person, I'm tired of searching for the last possibly once of compassion and somehow making myself sane and calm enough to carry on some communication when in reality I just want to shake the both of them and scream.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!
But instead I smoke and drive around my city and listen to music. Instead I write stupid blogs that no one will read. Instead I will live my life, unapologetically and hope one day they understand. Instead I will tape my sisters picture to my fridge, and hope for the best possible future.
-Connor
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Update!
I realized tonight that I haven't updated in almost two months! (A far cry from the multiple times a week postings I was doin this winter!)
Well, here's whats up. Last month I hit my six months on T. Running on a .05ml dose every 10 days.. Just had my checkup at the clinic yesterday and got the cycle changed to every 7 days, I'm hoping that will push things along and alleviate some of the icky crampy-ness I've been experiencing.
As far as changes go, its hard for me to really notice all that much. But I am getting consistently "Sir'd" now out in the world, mostly due to the voice, which is pretty low now. Other than that I've got fur coming in all the normal places, but my face fuzz seems to be taking forever. I'm impatient, I know.
I'm still working, living, doing the grownup thing. In the process of buying a car, we'll see how that pans out.
I feel like when i look in the mirror, or in pictures I look the same, but who knows.
Ive done some more processing/thinking about what I want from my involvement in the kink/leather communities, and after having spent a weekend in Boise, ID with a friend for a leather event, my direction seems more clear.
I met a lot of really awesome people that weekend, and while I still have a lot of learning/growing to do I think I really want to pursue a direction in the official community, if nothing else because it will provide me the conduit to work inside a community and give back. I miss that.
The men I met in Boise, specifically Sir Darian (NW leather SIR 2011) and Sir Hugh (International Leather Sir 2011) had very similar ideas as I about the purpose of ones place in these communities and spaces, and I look forward to any further interactions with these fantastic men I have the future.
These men, among others have helped me realize that my anxiety surrounding "starting at the bottom" Is normal, and that the satisfaction I will feel if I can push through my anxiety, will be immense.
So, I am beginning in my process of identifying as a "boy". A beginner, a novice.
Dedicated to service and learning.
here we go!
-Connor
Well, here's whats up. Last month I hit my six months on T. Running on a .05ml dose every 10 days.. Just had my checkup at the clinic yesterday and got the cycle changed to every 7 days, I'm hoping that will push things along and alleviate some of the icky crampy-ness I've been experiencing.
As far as changes go, its hard for me to really notice all that much. But I am getting consistently "Sir'd" now out in the world, mostly due to the voice, which is pretty low now. Other than that I've got fur coming in all the normal places, but my face fuzz seems to be taking forever. I'm impatient, I know.
I'm still working, living, doing the grownup thing. In the process of buying a car, we'll see how that pans out.
I feel like when i look in the mirror, or in pictures I look the same, but who knows.
Ive done some more processing/thinking about what I want from my involvement in the kink/leather communities, and after having spent a weekend in Boise, ID with a friend for a leather event, my direction seems more clear.
 |
| Boise Leather Weekend, 2011 |
The men I met in Boise, specifically Sir Darian (NW leather SIR 2011) and Sir Hugh (International Leather Sir 2011) had very similar ideas as I about the purpose of ones place in these communities and spaces, and I look forward to any further interactions with these fantastic men I have the future.
These men, among others have helped me realize that my anxiety surrounding "starting at the bottom" Is normal, and that the satisfaction I will feel if I can push through my anxiety, will be immense.
So, I am beginning in my process of identifying as a "boy". A beginner, a novice.
Dedicated to service and learning.
here we go!
-Connor
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