Last weekend, my sister Emily gradutated from highschool. Valedictorian,cheerleading captain, excellent student, scholarship to UofO. The whole nine yards. She is everything my parents ever wanted out of a child. Standing in stark and obvious contrast to eachother, our whole lives, It has never failed to be mentioned that she is the example I should be living up to.
what.the.fuck.ever.
This is not to say I am not proud of what she has accomplished. I feel like she is going to do great things in her life. I have no doubt. But I am not less than, because I have chosen to do things differently. And I refuse to believe anything different.
Today, in the mail my mom sent me one of her senior pictures, and a note. In the note she mentioned how she thought I would appreciate getting the picture (which, I did) and that she hopes "Emily and I can resolve things" someday...She also mentioned that I will never be anything but (insert birth name here) to them, and how if I MUST be someone else to others, thats fine, but I will always be (birthname) to them.
And these, are things that you do not expect on a tuesday in the mail. To be sideswiped by anger, and hurt and sadness. These are things that wait silently in the back of my brain until I see my moms tell-tale scrawl on a piece of paper.
I have struggled, and fought and wrestled with (specifically) my mom and sister for YEARS. and I'm exhausted. I'm tired of being the bigger person, I'm tired of searching for the last possibly once of compassion and somehow making myself sane and calm enough to carry on some communication when in reality I just want to shake the both of them and scream.
THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME!
But instead I smoke and drive around my city and listen to music. Instead I write stupid blogs that no one will read. Instead I will live my life, unapologetically and hope one day they understand. Instead I will tape my sisters picture to my fridge, and hope for the best possible future.
-Connor
Someone did read it... and your observation is correct but incomplete: not only is there nothing wrong with you... there is very, very much RIGHT with you.
ReplyDeleteI (Cole) read this as well. I know we've had brief conversations about the caustic relationship between your momma and you, and it's really sad that she isn't showing love and support to your authentic self. :( She is missing out on an amazing person! I can't agree more with what Kelly said, you are AMAZING the way you are. You are a role model to look up to by being so out and proud, not to mention you have yer community's back. <3
ReplyDeleteHaving watched this interaction happen for 10 years now, I grieve for you every time your Mom intentionally or unintentionally hurts you. You know how many times I've wished I could sit and help her understand (as if it would help) and how many other times her actions and words have made me so angry I wouldn't trust myself in a room with her. This time is no different. And my response is no different either... Don't ever allow your Mom's stranglehold on her denial and inability to grow and learn to affect your view of yourself. She is robbing herself of knowing you, letting you teach her and grow her narrow perspective of the world and people... I know because you've taught me. I also usually remind you to have compassion for her journey... But not today. This is not progress, and its not okay. Instead, I'll remind you of your big sister, your OTHER Mom and your Dad who HAVE made an effort and are important parts of your life. You're not Aline...and you are seen for who you really are. By all of us.
ReplyDeletei've also read this...one of the big lessons for me this year in my mba program has been not only finding my authentic voice, but using it...i think you are doing this, don't stop! it doesn't matter what some people say as long as YOU are expressing yourself.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry that you were side-swiped by a microaggression.
ReplyDeleteI experienced much frustration after first starting hormones over my mother's inability to accept my trans identity. The difference is that she moved past it. I wish I could offer hope that your mother may one day do so as well, but instead I will offer you this:
There is a whole community of us that love and accept you as you are and as you wish to be. Never forget that each of us is here for you--I, personally, will listen to rants and offer hugs and whatever else I can to help you reach your fullest most real self.
Stay true to yourself; your soul will rise above, and--should it fall--I and my lovers will be here to lift it back to the sky.