There has been this idea hurricane mulling around my brain. After almost two years of hanging around on the outskirts of the kink/leather/BDSM communities, I think I am finally ready to give myself over to the project of really exploring these things. I feel like I have spent the last nine months or so recovering, healing, playing and generally not taking things very seriously, giving myself a break if you will.
But for some time, I have been slowly researching and meditating on a couple facets of this.
1.Fully stepping into "offiicial" communities of kinksters,leather folks,faeries, service folks, etc. Committing to doing that scary part of going to meet a shit ton of people I don't know. Being open to the process of stepping into a world not yet my own.
2. Committing to starting at the very very bottom of these ranks of fine folks (a hard thing for us prideful fire signs to do) Submitting myself to the process, to the knowledge and skill of others.
3.Committing to a yet-to-be-determined length of 'service'. Spending one month, six months, a year, giving my body, time, and skills to both this project, and more specifically, the communities and spaces that have served me and my community. I don't want to be just a "taker" anymore. This does not just include queer/kink spaces. This is a broader reaching idea.
These ideas are not fully formed as of yet, but there are things I know for sure. I want to be a part of the rites,traditions and history found in these amazing communities. I want to learn, better myself, and most importantly of all, allow myself (and sometimes force myself, again pride) to be humbled,to listen more, and talk less. There are many things to learn. There are many people to learn from. I have often found myself identifying as a Daddy/Dom ( and I do believe that is where I will be someday) but, in all honesty,I haven't earned that title, I'm just getting started. Its time to step back and start from the right place.
I am not one that finds it comfortable on my 'knees' so to speak. I don't tend to be real happy or comfy in a subservient position. But it has become glaringly obvious that this is what I need to do.
That all being said, I am actively putting it "out there" that I am looking for mentors/teachers in this process. I have many friends who's training/mentoring "plates" are full to capacity, and so I am having to look outside my immediate circle. If anyone could help in this endevour, please don't hesitate to email me at
connorbraddockpdx@gmail.com
Thank you all!
Much love!
-Connor.
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Wednesday, April 6, 2011
Someone like you.
Okay, I'm having an emo night. One too many Adele tracks will do that to a guy.
ACK.
After a serious over-lunch convo with my bff I was left to contemplate that ever present question "what do you want Connor?" I think I can place some blame on my mother, training us since birth to subvert all needs emotional or otherwise for god, families, and partners. I don't think I have yet learned how to find value in my own personal needs/wants, or even know how to recognize them.
I have this tendency to throw myself headlong into things. Especially people.And causes. And causes that ARE people. It's been almost a year since I walked away from the relationship I had given everything to for two years. Its hard to not be bitter and angsty some days, but for the most part, I'm fine. I just find myself wondering in that Connor way, how to find balance.
I feel like every single twenty something queer is living this life as a part of a dynamic that is foreign to me. It's interesting and fascinating and I enjoy visiting, but at my core I know I want something different. I feel like sometimes, there is this unspoken pressure in my community (and I recognize that its entirely possible that it's self imposed.) To be poly,open,dating,no-strings-attached, free spirits. And let me start by saying I respect these dynamics, I am often jealous of them. But non-attached-dating land is one I only really want to visit for a time, to have experiences. I don't want to live there necessarily.
At my core, I eventually ( and eventually is really the key word here) really want a primary, romantic, partner. One with whom I can have a home. This is not to say that sexually I don't enjoy playing even within a relationship, I do. And I think that a relationship that is strong enough and has developed the level of trust that is required to play with other people is a really beautiful thing. I'm not saying that I want to get married tomorrow. I'm over that compulsion, thanks. But, I am saying I would like to date in a way that it progresses, over time.
I think part of me thought that testosterone would be a magical cure all for being a super squishy sensitive guy. It wasn't. It has allowed me a very healthy way to separate sex and love when I want to, but really, at my core I am still that squishy guy, just with more furry-ness now.
I have spent the last year or so, throwing myself into experiences that have been both beneficial and harmful. I have surrounded myself with some amazing, beautiful people who have taught me to be more comfortable with my sexuality and the ways that it changes and grows. I am so thankful for this. I think I need to work on healing my heart though, and making myself aware and awake to the love that exists in the universe. All kinds of love. Friendship love, family love, romantic love, spiritual love. Love is out there. Its okay to ask for it.
I am exactly where I need to be.
I'm asking for it all.
-Connor
ACK.
After a serious over-lunch convo with my bff I was left to contemplate that ever present question "what do you want Connor?" I think I can place some blame on my mother, training us since birth to subvert all needs emotional or otherwise for god, families, and partners. I don't think I have yet learned how to find value in my own personal needs/wants, or even know how to recognize them.
I have this tendency to throw myself headlong into things. Especially people.And causes. And causes that ARE people. It's been almost a year since I walked away from the relationship I had given everything to for two years. Its hard to not be bitter and angsty some days, but for the most part, I'm fine. I just find myself wondering in that Connor way, how to find balance.
I feel like every single twenty something queer is living this life as a part of a dynamic that is foreign to me. It's interesting and fascinating and I enjoy visiting, but at my core I know I want something different. I feel like sometimes, there is this unspoken pressure in my community (and I recognize that its entirely possible that it's self imposed.) To be poly,open,dating,no-strings-attached, free spirits. And let me start by saying I respect these dynamics, I am often jealous of them. But non-attached-dating land is one I only really want to visit for a time, to have experiences. I don't want to live there necessarily.
At my core, I eventually ( and eventually is really the key word here) really want a primary, romantic, partner. One with whom I can have a home. This is not to say that sexually I don't enjoy playing even within a relationship, I do. And I think that a relationship that is strong enough and has developed the level of trust that is required to play with other people is a really beautiful thing. I'm not saying that I want to get married tomorrow. I'm over that compulsion, thanks. But, I am saying I would like to date in a way that it progresses, over time.
I think part of me thought that testosterone would be a magical cure all for being a super squishy sensitive guy. It wasn't. It has allowed me a very healthy way to separate sex and love when I want to, but really, at my core I am still that squishy guy, just with more furry-ness now.
I have spent the last year or so, throwing myself into experiences that have been both beneficial and harmful. I have surrounded myself with some amazing, beautiful people who have taught me to be more comfortable with my sexuality and the ways that it changes and grows. I am so thankful for this. I think I need to work on healing my heart though, and making myself aware and awake to the love that exists in the universe. All kinds of love. Friendship love, family love, romantic love, spiritual love. Love is out there. Its okay to ask for it.
I am exactly where I need to be.
I'm asking for it all.
-Connor
Friday, April 1, 2011
Birthday
**Sorry that I have been lax on updating. I don't have a computer, so I now I have to rely on friends and coworkers for the use of the computers.**
Hello friends-
Last weekend was my 23rd birthday. WOW how time flies. I can't believe that I have been back in Portland a almost a year, and been on testosterone for four months! I had a wonderful birthday, filled with friends and family and, yes, some tequilla ;)
The more time passes on this journey the more I want to document it all, all the steps, the changes, the processes. I want to be able to look back some day and be able to see it all, from start to.....current day. ( I don't believe that my "transition" has an end date)
The thing that is currently stressing me out is that the farther I go into this process, the more I become myself, the less option I have to "come out" to people as trans in my own time frame. I imagine when I see friends/family from the past it will immediately be noticable that my appearance is different. Even now, with my voice deeper, and some facial hair coming in, I sometimes dread seeing old friends/family members.
This is not a particularly inspired post, but I wanted to post some pictures from my birthday too :) Enjoy!
-Connor
Hello friends-
Last weekend was my 23rd birthday. WOW how time flies. I can't believe that I have been back in Portland a almost a year, and been on testosterone for four months! I had a wonderful birthday, filled with friends and family and, yes, some tequilla ;)
The more time passes on this journey the more I want to document it all, all the steps, the changes, the processes. I want to be able to look back some day and be able to see it all, from start to.....current day. ( I don't believe that my "transition" has an end date)
The thing that is currently stressing me out is that the farther I go into this process, the more I become myself, the less option I have to "come out" to people as trans in my own time frame. I imagine when I see friends/family from the past it will immediately be noticable that my appearance is different. Even now, with my voice deeper, and some facial hair coming in, I sometimes dread seeing old friends/family members.
This is not a particularly inspired post, but I wanted to post some pictures from my birthday too :) Enjoy!
-Connor
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