How I got here...sex,gender,and sexuality

I remember the first time I ever saw someone I recognized as gender variant.

It was the spring of 2003, My obsession with Ani Difranco was in full swing, and I had just purchased her DVD "Render"and at the end of that DVD is a performance by the now defunct group Bitch and Animal. I remember seeing Animal  getting threatened with being arrested for being topless on stage, because he had a female body. His body resonated with me.

I took that feeling of kinship and hid it deep inside myself. Growing up in Medford,Oregon was challenging if you varied even very slightly out of societal norms. Having "odd" colored hair or riding a skateboard was enough of a reason for the cops to stop you, run your name, and pat you down for contraband. I was the only out "dyke" at that time at my high school. I was also very outspoken politically. This was a very dangerous time to be so, with the recent passing of Measure 36 (a similar bill to California's prop 8 that passed here in 2004) and G.W. Bush's reelection, anti queer sentiments were at an all time high. I felt safer just leaving my discovery to myself.

When I moved to Portland in 2006, I let myself explore a lot of avenues previously denied to me, and within a few months had come out to a small group of new peers and mentors as genderqueer and going by Connor, a name I had actually chosen the year before after years of wanting to change my name.

Queer culture is changing faster than it can redefine itself, and I try not to get caught up in labels and definitions, but i still very much identify as genderqueer, and queer in general.

At this time I was going to SMYRC and became very very involved in that community for a number of years. At this point I was still exclusively dating lesbian identified women, and trying to keep myself in that box. I don't think most people understand that there is a lot of unspoken societal pressure to just PICK who you are, (boy or girl) What you like (gay or straight). I never felt like I fit any of those boxes.And after a lot of trial and error and spending a lot of time being very frustrated and disingenuous, I decided to be who I was, the best  I could everyday, and love who I love along the way.

Gender, Sex,Sexuality,Identity they are all separate components of a much more intricate puzzle. The more we try and push eachother into these neat categories, the more we create a subculture of people who will never be willing or able to conform. I am one of these people. I knew since the moment I was first self-aware that I was not destined to live my life as a female person. This journey is life long, and it is far from easy, but THIS is the path I was meant to walk, and I have no doubt about that.

I spent much of my childhood and adolescence apologizing for who I was, what I wanted etc, and I will never again do that. I'm complicated and also stunningly simple. Yes, many of my physical masculine traits come in a tiny bottle, but my masculinity comes from me, from the center, and I am figuring it out as I go along. I will never have a typical life,relationships,family or experience, but i wouldn't have it any other way. And I will make no apologies along the way.

-Connor