Family is a touchy subject for a lot of queer/trans folks I know. We have become generations of folks raised by friends,the streets, and ourselves. So many of us spend our youths learning how to survive, inheriting a certain swagger, a little damaged but painfully aware of exactly what we are capable of. . . some of us can come out of that and form our own families, and repair the bruised relationships we had to leave behind us.
From the time I was a young teenager, my mother and I fought constantly. Brutal all out verbal (and sometimes physical) fights that left us both harbored in our corners unwilling to meet in the middle. I accept full responsibility for the things I did in those teenage years. I was no cakewalk to deal with, I know that. Constantly in trouble until literally the minute I entered high school... ( I was expelled from three schools, including two elementary schools..) I was loud,insubordinate, bored, destructive and challenging. I was in now way the best older sibling I could have been. I was in no way the best kid.. but there were three things that my mom and I fought about constantly. My gender expression, and therefore my perceived sexuality, and my issues within our church communities.
My story is very similar to a lot of other queer/ trans folks I know. I knew from a very young age that I wasn't who I was expected to be. I knew that in the deepest parts of me. But i can't say I ever felt "different" I maintain to this day that my "difference" was a status quo that was imposed on me. Allowed to just BE myself, my mom and I could have had a radically different relationship instead of the harrowing, painful one we struggled through for years.
I have to say, a lot of my journey to the center of myself came from acceptance. Not of myself, but of other people. Wherever they may be in their lives. I allowed my mom a lot of unnecessary power over my life because I wanted her to LIKE me. And in 2008, I reached my breaking point after a phone call where she screamed at me the most horrible string of expletives I have ever heard come out of anyone's mouth. After that, I literally moved 1200 miles away and cut all contact.. These last three years have been a slow rebuilding of a relationship on MY terms, and it has been hard, but very rewarding in a lot of ways.
That situation caused me to see the people that I had driven out of my life out of fear or anger and I really felt led to make amends with folks in a lot of realms of my life. And the blessings that have come from this, have been astounding.
I have to say certain people that have become such champions and supporters for me, are surprising, but so appreciated. My older sister Candice, has been a quiet advocate for me for a number of years, even when she didn't really " get it" and was also the first person I "came out" to. She has shown not just me, but our whole family that even if you may not understand someone completely, that is never an excuse to not love them.I love you sis.
My step mom Karen, who I put through the fuckin RINGER when she first married my dad, was always there for me, even when I was a difficult little shit. She has really been critical in the building of a good relationship with my Dad as well, And for that I will always be grateful.But I have to say the most important thing to me is that she makes an effort to understand somethings that are totally foreign to her. And this doesn't mean that we all have to agree but to respected in that way means the world to me. I look forward so much to the future of building those relationships and really enjoying each others company. I love you guys.
And lastly, My mom. She has to make this list. Because sometime around February 2010, something changed in our interaction, and I couldn't be more thrilled. Its not easy, and sometimes its still really painful, but the point is that we try, with firm boundaries in place I have left the door open to building an adult relationship I never imagined would exist. I know we were put in each others lives to test one another, and I am committed to doing my best to remain open,, and honest at all times and continually seek a good relationship.
I am getting a new tattoo this year that really has become such a motto for me. It's going to read:
"Don't give up. Let Go. "
To me, that sentiment is everything.
The tighter you grasp the sand, the quicker it drops through your fingers..
Everything for a reason, everything in its right time.
This is just as important to me, as my transition, my career, my goals. Etc. Who I surround myself with, the relationships I have in my life. Thank you to all of you who have put up with me and continue to do so.
You will never know how much it means to me.
-Connor.
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