Everyday I look in the mirror, I see a reflection that is congruent for the first time ever.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Congruent
Everyday I look in the mirror, I see a reflection that is congruent for the first time ever.
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Update
I realized this morning that I hadn't written a blog in awhile, and while I'm off this weekend I thought I'd do an update.
This pic is from this morning (Jan 22, 2012) And feel like I started my transition pictures by taking shots of my sideburns (the only consistent point of improvement thus far) So, here's another! ;) I now have to shave every other day, as its all coming in thicker now. Which, is super exciting.
I'm getting new glasses soon (hopefully next month!)
I've been in my apartment officially over a year now, thats a huge milestone.
I also got my first credit card, and internet/cable.
All of these things seem like immense luxury.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
A year in review
I remember this time last year well. I had just had my first appointment at Outside In and was anxiously awaiting my first Testosterone script. I felt like it was never , ever going to come. And then, finally. It happened. December 8th 2010, I took my first shot. It was overwhelming and exciting.
And now, its been a year. And my weekly shots are about as exciting as brushing my teeth. Its just something I do. Here's a comparison shot of August 2010 and August 2011 :)
Its crazy to see myself like that, side by side, a clear representation that I have in fact changed. And I couldn't be happier.
And just for fun, a shot from right now. I know I look grumpy. Ignore that!
I actually *have* sideburns now. Its crazy. I pass 95% of the time (which, because of my insecurities about how freakin huge my chest is I *still* don't 100% understand.)
But this year, at thanksgiving I am going to say I am thankful for thee opportunities, support and help in this process of becoming more myself. Its a weird journey but I wouldn't have it any other way.
And now, its been a year. And my weekly shots are about as exciting as brushing my teeth. Its just something I do. Here's a comparison shot of August 2010 and August 2011 :)
And just for fun, a shot from right now. I know I look grumpy. Ignore that!
But this year, at thanksgiving I am going to say I am thankful for thee opportunities, support and help in this process of becoming more myself. Its a weird journey but I wouldn't have it any other way.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
My thoughts on the Occupation
I'm on facebook--a lot. I have seen the "Occupation" filter through my friends news feeds for the last two months. I would describe myself as an activist by nature, having at many points in my history aligned myself with causes and uprisings, and have never regretted my involvement. And I see the occupation, and I couldn't figure out why I felt like I was most comfortable skirting the edges, choosing to make changes in my personal life to take part in the national uprising (i.e. changing my banking to a local credit union etc). Why, in fact I wasn't using my skills of leadership and organizing this uprising, that I see as vital to the changing of consciousness in our country.
I think, for me, part of what it means to align your physical body with a cause, is to by association, align yourself with all parts of the movement, good and bad. There are many, many parts of this movement that I love, that I think are fantastic, fabulous examples of unity, and a gathering of consciousness against the wrongs that are being done, in our country and globally.
But there are also parts of this movement I DO NOT agree with. I don't HATE cops, wealthy people or the even the politicians. I don't wish death, injury, or illness on anyone, including the people who are perpetuating this oppression, either directly or indirectly. I profess to primarily be Buddhist in principal, and I stand by that. One concept in Buddhism is to refuse to maintain a state of anger or hatred. This, I personally find challenging because I am also a passionate person, and because my first reaction to being teargassed at demonstrations in the past has been to start throwing punches. It seemed to be the right thing at the time!
But when I stop and really think about it, Anger and Hatred used as tools become weapons, and those same weapons are used to perpetuate oppression against people all over the world, this uprising is no different.
I say this not in some hippie-dippie utopian idea, I swear...I KNOW first hand the power of direct action, and non-violent demonstrations,occupations and protests. But Ghandi and MLK Jr. Accomplished incredible feats, against enormous odds while maintaining that they only way they would do it, is the in a way that they wouldn't perpetuate the same hatred against their oppressors, and we must follow their example. They were also wrongly imprisoned, attacked,and scoffed at...but they held fast. Things CAN be accomplished this way.
Utah Philips said "We've got to place our bodies on the gears, the mechanisms and indicate to those who own it and those who run it, that unless we are free, the machine will be prevented from moving at all."
So, lets place our bodies, our voices and our demands on the gears and the mechanisms, but do so while maintaining a fierce commitment to breaking the cycle of hatred,fear and violence. I envision a better world, not a utopia, but a better version of our current selves,with a strong conviction and a commitment to making sure that we are all fed,clothed,housed and employed. With a commitment to educating ourselves and our kids, to stopping all forms of oppression, and making sure we take care of the planet, our bodies and each other. That's the kind of fighting I'll do any day.
I think, for me, part of what it means to align your physical body with a cause, is to by association, align yourself with all parts of the movement, good and bad. There are many, many parts of this movement that I love, that I think are fantastic, fabulous examples of unity, and a gathering of consciousness against the wrongs that are being done, in our country and globally.
But there are also parts of this movement I DO NOT agree with. I don't HATE cops, wealthy people or the even the politicians. I don't wish death, injury, or illness on anyone, including the people who are perpetuating this oppression, either directly or indirectly. I profess to primarily be Buddhist in principal, and I stand by that. One concept in Buddhism is to refuse to maintain a state of anger or hatred. This, I personally find challenging because I am also a passionate person, and because my first reaction to being teargassed at demonstrations in the past has been to start throwing punches. It seemed to be the right thing at the time!
But when I stop and really think about it, Anger and Hatred used as tools become weapons, and those same weapons are used to perpetuate oppression against people all over the world, this uprising is no different.
Utah Philips said "We've got to place our bodies on the gears, the mechanisms and indicate to those who own it and those who run it, that unless we are free, the machine will be prevented from moving at all."
So, lets place our bodies, our voices and our demands on the gears and the mechanisms, but do so while maintaining a fierce commitment to breaking the cycle of hatred,fear and violence. I envision a better world, not a utopia, but a better version of our current selves,with a strong conviction and a commitment to making sure that we are all fed,clothed,housed and employed. With a commitment to educating ourselves and our kids, to stopping all forms of oppression, and making sure we take care of the planet, our bodies and each other. That's the kind of fighting I'll do any day.
Fourteen precepts of engaged buddhism.
By Venerable Thich Nhat Hanh (From the book Interbeing)
1. Do not be idolatrous about or bound to any doctrine, theory, or ideology, even Buddhist ones. Buddhist systems of thought are guiding means; they are not absolute truth.2.Do not think the knowledge you presently possess is changeless, absolute truth. Avoid being narrow minded and bound to present views. Learn and practice nonattachment from views in order to be open to receive others' viewpoints. Truth is found in life and not merely in conceptual knowledge. Be ready to learn throughout your entire life and to observe reality in yourself and in the world at all times.
3.Do not force others, including children, by any means whatsoever, to adopt your views, whether by authority, threat, money, propaganda, or even education. However, through compassionate dialogue, help others renounce fanaticism and narrow-mindedness.
4.Do not avoid suffering or close your eyes before suffering. Do not lose awareness of the existence of suffering in the life of the world. Find ways to be with those who are suffering, including personal contact, visits, images and sounds. By such means, awaken yourself and others to the reality of suffering in the world.
5.Do not accumulate wealth while millions are hungry. Do not take as the aim of your life fame, profit, wealth, or sensual pleasure. Live simply and share time, energy, and material resources with those who are in need.
6.Do not maintain anger or hatred. Learn to penetrate and transform them when they are still seeds in your consciousness. As soon as they arise, turn your attention to your breath in order to see and understand the nature of your hatred.
7.Do not lose yourself in dispersion and in your surroundings. Practice mindful breathing to come back to what is happening in the present moment. Be in touch with what is wondrous, refreshing, and healing both inside and around you. Plant seeds of joy, peace, and understanding in yourself in order to facilitate the work of transformation in the depths of your consciousness.
8.Do not utter words that can create discord and cause the community to break. Make every effort to reconcile and resolve all conflicts, however small.
9.Do not say untruthful things for the sake of personal interest or to impress people. Do not utter words that cause division and hatred. Do not spread news that you do not know to be certain. Do not criticize or condemn things of which you are not sure. Always speak truthfully and constructively. Have the courage to speak out about situations of injustice, even when doing so may threaten your own safety.
10.Do not use the Buddhist community for personal gain or profit, or transform your community into a political party. A religious community, however, should take a clear stand against oppression and injustice and should strive to change the situation without engaging in partisan conflicts.
11.Do not live with a vocation that is harmful to humans and nature. Do not invest in companies that deprive others of their chance to live. Select a vocation that helps realise your ideal of compassion.
12. Do not kill. Do not let others kill. Find whatever means possible to protect life and prevent war.
13.Possess nothing that should belong to others. Respect the property of others, but prevent others from profiting from human suffering or the suffering of other species on Earth.
14.Do not mistreat your body. Learn to handle it with respect. Do not look on your body as only an instrument. Preserve vital energies (sexual, breath, spirit) for the realisation of the Way. (For brothers and sisters who are not monks and nuns:) Sexual expression should not take place without love and commitment. In sexual relations, be aware of future suffering that may be caused. To preserve the happiness of others, respect the rights and commitments of others. Be fully aware of the responsibility of bringing new lives into the world. Meditate on the world into which you are bringing new beings.
Monday, September 12, 2011
I remember.
I knew that today I needed to write about 9/11. My first thought was WTF does 9/11 have to do with your transition etc? And the answer is not really anything, directly. But that day affected out whole world, and each of us individually in a way that swayed the course of humanity, and our lives individually. Mine included.
I was 12 years old on 9/11. Getting ready for another day of eigth grade, in my first few months in public school. I remember it so clearly because as I stumbled across the hall to the bathroom, my mom came into the bathroom and shut the door behind herself. She told me to sit down on the toilet for a minute. I thought for sure I was in trouble, or someone had died. Something.
"I am telling you in here because I don't want to scare your sister (who was 8 at the time)." I sat, blank faced. "Tell me WHAT?" (my true pre-teen impatient-early-morning-attitude shows here)
My mom held her hands together, as if praying. "Terrorists have hit the world trade centers with airplanes. There are a lot of people hurt and dead. Its chaos". I could not, in my world expierence *GRASP* in that moment, what the hell that meant. I rallied. "wait, what do you mean terrorist? Whats the world trade center???!"
My mom patiently explained the bare bones details. I felt cold . Everyone ate breakfast in silence. My mom drove me to school, where for the next eight hours, lesson plans laid cast aside, we watched ALL day the endless news coverage. A kid in my class kept asking how many people were dead. My teachers gathered in the hallways, a lot of them were crying. They kept showing that clip over and over and over.. You know the one... the one of people jumping out of the highest floors of the towers. We were all in shock.
I knew in my heart that the world would be different, but I had no idea in how many ways.
Then everyone started buying flags, and putting stickers on thier car. We felt helpless from 3,000 miles away. What could WE do?
I thought a lot about it. I bought newspapers (and still have them.) But I could NOT bring myself to have the same reaction as everyone I knew. I couldn't muster up the rage that they did, mostly I was just....sad. I remember watching a lot of specials on TV. Mostly the ones about the incredible bravery and selfless courage of all the people, the thousands of people who ran INTO the burning buildings instead of out of them, stayed in that smoldering pile of wreckage, breathing in that horrible particled debris, ruining thier lungs, pushing thier bodies, to recover bits and peices of friends, co-workers, and complete strangers. They stayed, until the job was done. That's the remarkable part of this.
A few years later, when George Bush, cited 9/11 as the main cause for going to war, I remember being so frustrated. (And suspcious, let me to tell you). I remember watching "operation shock and awe' On tv, and while my mom and step-dad cheered on our efforts, I sat on the floor and cried. How did killing more people (who, really had nothing to do with 9/11 anyways) "avenge" that tragedy? I didn't. It still hasn't.
I spent much of high school a very vocal opponent to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. It was not a very popular sentiment, let me tell you. But, what cemented it for me, was seeing kids my age, coming home in boxes, with a thank you note from the army. Mothers and fathers, brothers, spouses across the world, doing the same thing. Everyone was mourning losses, and no one was winning.
This is now officially, America's longest war. Spawned from the greatest tragedy on American soil. Politics, and international relations are complicated, and nothing is black and white, this is a world bathed in gray.But, I think a commitment to STOP killing people, policing our ideals all over the world, and instead fostering a global community of true communication and compromise, would make the world a much better place to be. Don't you think?
Making a commitmet to true peace is MUCH harder than waging a war. But so far, this other way clearly hasn't accomplished what is needed.
I was 12 years old on 9/11. Getting ready for another day of eigth grade, in my first few months in public school. I remember it so clearly because as I stumbled across the hall to the bathroom, my mom came into the bathroom and shut the door behind herself. She told me to sit down on the toilet for a minute. I thought for sure I was in trouble, or someone had died. Something.
"I am telling you in here because I don't want to scare your sister (who was 8 at the time)." I sat, blank faced. "Tell me WHAT?" (my true pre-teen impatient-early-morning-attitude shows here)
My mom held her hands together, as if praying. "Terrorists have hit the world trade centers with airplanes. There are a lot of people hurt and dead. Its chaos". I could not, in my world expierence *GRASP* in that moment, what the hell that meant. I rallied. "wait, what do you mean terrorist? Whats the world trade center???!"
My mom patiently explained the bare bones details. I felt cold . Everyone ate breakfast in silence. My mom drove me to school, where for the next eight hours, lesson plans laid cast aside, we watched ALL day the endless news coverage. A kid in my class kept asking how many people were dead. My teachers gathered in the hallways, a lot of them were crying. They kept showing that clip over and over and over.. You know the one... the one of people jumping out of the highest floors of the towers. We were all in shock.
I knew in my heart that the world would be different, but I had no idea in how many ways.
Then everyone started buying flags, and putting stickers on thier car. We felt helpless from 3,000 miles away. What could WE do?
I thought a lot about it. I bought newspapers (and still have them.) But I could NOT bring myself to have the same reaction as everyone I knew. I couldn't muster up the rage that they did, mostly I was just....sad. I remember watching a lot of specials on TV. Mostly the ones about the incredible bravery and selfless courage of all the people, the thousands of people who ran INTO the burning buildings instead of out of them, stayed in that smoldering pile of wreckage, breathing in that horrible particled debris, ruining thier lungs, pushing thier bodies, to recover bits and peices of friends, co-workers, and complete strangers. They stayed, until the job was done. That's the remarkable part of this.
A few years later, when George Bush, cited 9/11 as the main cause for going to war, I remember being so frustrated. (And suspcious, let me to tell you). I remember watching "operation shock and awe' On tv, and while my mom and step-dad cheered on our efforts, I sat on the floor and cried. How did killing more people (who, really had nothing to do with 9/11 anyways) "avenge" that tragedy? I didn't. It still hasn't.
I spent much of high school a very vocal opponent to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan. It was not a very popular sentiment, let me tell you. But, what cemented it for me, was seeing kids my age, coming home in boxes, with a thank you note from the army. Mothers and fathers, brothers, spouses across the world, doing the same thing. Everyone was mourning losses, and no one was winning.
This is now officially, America's longest war. Spawned from the greatest tragedy on American soil. Politics, and international relations are complicated, and nothing is black and white, this is a world bathed in gray.But, I think a commitment to STOP killing people, policing our ideals all over the world, and instead fostering a global community of true communication and compromise, would make the world a much better place to be. Don't you think?
Making a commitmet to true peace is MUCH harder than waging a war. But so far, this other way clearly hasn't accomplished what is needed.
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Sunrise/Sunset
In an hour or so, the sun will start to rise over my left shoulder. In my head, I'm holding up the freemont bridge as a I sit here. Only late night/early morning trucks rumble across the ample double decker bridge; careening and crisscrossing states and sewing us all together.
I'm feeling that itch again. A restlessness. Blame my mother for moving us around so much as kids. I never learned the value of roots. Im feeling the need again to shake this town and head for a different coast all together. But I wont go, where else am I going to find trans healthcare, nine months of overcast cloudy weather and an affordable cost of living? Nowhere in this country, thats for sure. And I love this city, it feels like my first love, where I cut my teeth, and the palms of my hands on the real world. But I often feel the need to dissapear into the endless streams of people. Somewhere anonymous.
*poof*
I'm feeling that itch again. A restlessness. Blame my mother for moving us around so much as kids. I never learned the value of roots. Im feeling the need again to shake this town and head for a different coast all together. But I wont go, where else am I going to find trans healthcare, nine months of overcast cloudy weather and an affordable cost of living? Nowhere in this country, thats for sure. And I love this city, it feels like my first love, where I cut my teeth, and the palms of my hands on the real world. But I often feel the need to dissapear into the endless streams of people. Somewhere anonymous.
*poof*
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