Rebirth

February has been surprisingly transforming, and I could not be more exhausted, or more liberated. At the end of January, I went down to visit family in Medford, as I do every winter post-xmas. I was nervous because I hadn't seen my mom in almost a year in person, and by this point my transition is not able to be ignored. 

Except it was. 


I was shocked. My mom said and did nothing unusual (outside of her usual grimace being in the same room with me) No, her commentary on our time together came some weeks later, via email.

"As for me, I must say that I haven’t been doing so well since I saw you last.  Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing you.  You make me laugh!   My heart is aching about your choices, how you’re manipulating your body into one that obviously you were not given.  I’m so sad about the loss of the daughter I carried and nurtured and had dreams and hopes for.  I’m sad that you’ve rejected the woman God created.  HE does not make mistakes.  I will always call you [given name], I will always call you my daughter.  Again, I would request that you not refer to yourself by this new name when you are corresponding with me.  How you and I go from here is tricky as you get deeper and deeper into an area that I consider dark and know is an insult to God"

This is not new. This is the same conversation we've been having for ten years now. So, I finally decided  I was done.  I drew up boundaries that I know she won't keep, but I don't think they are unreasonable. (for the record, all I asked was for her to use the right name/pronoun and to be respectful of the fact that I'm an adult and am entitled to my own life and making my own choices. That's it.

So, what was different about this particular  interaction, in comparison to others? Well, I finally laid it all out on the table. I said it all. Everything I tucked away in journals, and cursed under my breath at for years. And I reached my breaking point, I laid out what my needs are and walked away. 

 I have never felt more free. 

That being said, there is also a tremendous sadness that is inherent in this situation. It makes me sad on a very visceral level to cut those ties. But, in the same situation I have gained a tremendous sense of self. 

I felt like it was the final thing holding me back from being 100% myself. 

And now, its done.

Its a lot like in tarot. Folks see the death card, and they automatically think negative. Sometimes the death of one thing, is the rebirth of another.