I am not a butterfly

For the record, I didn't want to be a blogger really. I mean, Blogger when the fuck did that become not only a verb but a job title? I can't imagine why anyone would want to read deeper into my inane (and probably a bit insane) musings, but here it is. My blog.

I named the blog  Architecture of Self after a poem I wrote not too long ago, about how as a transperson, I feel like I am going through a process of constructing myself. I am building what I want with the tools I have. This isn't a metamorphosis necessarily, I am not butterfly. Its construction. Its work. Its organic, but requires some power tools.

Okay, enough with the metaphor. I am (fingers crossed) Starting Testosterone next month. This will begin a life long  weekly ritual of injecting my body with synthetic male hormones. (and yes, it hurts, like a mofo its a big ass needle stabbed into your butt-cheek). This is only a small part of what I want as far as my "transition". I wanted to start this blog to post updates, videos/pictures to keep people abreast (teehee) of this process without having to post it on facebook.

The physical changes will be celebrated and appreciated more than I can say, but that's not what is the most important to me. The most important part of my transition as a transperson is how I construct my gender everyday. The thought and care that I intentionally want to put into how I conceive my version of masculinity.
Because non-"traditional" masculinity/maleness etc is what I respect the most  in men/masculine people I meet.

Those who know me have probably heard me talk a lot about my ex Myles's dad, Karl. Karl is one of the people I respect most in the world, and I had the privilege of seeing who he was, as a father,husband,friend,and community figure in a way I will always be grateful for. As kind and gentle as a human can possibly be, smart, compassionate, emotionally available to his partner,children,friends, patients, etc... He is what most men I grew up with would call a pansy. But most men I grew up with haven't climbed some of the highest mountains in Europe, or lived on remote islands providing medical care for folks who would never have had access to it otherwise, most men I grew up with never hugged their kids on a regular basis or cried in front of friends, even when it would have benefited them to do so. Not Karl, Karl has spent a lifetime constructing his masculinity, and this among a million other reasons, is why I admire him the way I do.

Society tells us, that masculinity is tough,non-emotional,unintelligent,crude and sexist amongst a host of other things. And as someone about to be physically transitioning to at least appear as a man, this is what scares me, is the expectation that this is what being a "man" looks like. I feel like I have a  responsibility as a transperson to reject this indoctrination and start from scratch. Taking examples from people I admire, and building myself up in a way that I like, and approve of. And thats really what this journey is about.

Yes, its about hormones,bodily changes, surgery and a lot of other thing, but mostly its about what it really means to be me, a masculine person in our world. I guess it is a bit of a metamorphosis, but I am no butterfly. :)