Love as the land loves

"Love as the land loves"

Last night a freight train rumbled through my midnight

Like it had a breakfast date with the sunrise

Like it was born pushing its self

toward that horizon line

and outside, the bull frogs

Are reminding me that its spring

That the whole world isn't dead

Just its life-lines are sleeping

And I

Have been sleeping.

Praying that universe would open me up

all the while keeping my hands over my eyes

trying to hold my eyes shut

And I guess the moral of the story is

Be careful what you wish for

I may have wished myself a window

But the gods have dreamed me a door

A starting point

A threshold

a place to

hold

onto me.

But

I don't believe in perfection

But I do believe in magic

I am no perfect man

I've got cracks down my ribcage

that would make the grand canyon jealous

but I came here believing that

some hurt is endless

and found that healing comes when you least expect it.

I still pray everyday

But I stopped calling it god

And started calling it grace

Starting seeing all that I had been looking for

In a bottle of permission

A ritual

A rite

And face paint.

Just a few new photos. :)

Long overdue update!

I feel so frustrated that I havent posted in four months. I guess to be completely honest all my energy, creative or otherwise was wrapped up in a relationship that was built to fail.  Go me. Okay, okay, I asked for a lesson and was given one. Doesn't mean the learning doesn't suck.

anyways- Here's some pics of the last few months, I've gotten significantly beardy-er, which is awesome... except when its itchy. ;) The last pic is from yesterday, just bumming around downtown waiting to have lunch with the bestie.

An excerise in gratitude

I heard somewhere once that the only mantra you'll ever need is Thank You.  So, I want to take a break from the whirlwind of the past few weeks ad just send up a notion of thanks to the universe for the blessings that have become apparent in my life.

I guess the hardest thing to remember, is that I deserve to be happy. I deserve good things. Its okay to smile and accept these things.

Rebirth

February has been surprisingly transforming, and I could not be more exhausted, or more liberated. At the end of January, I went down to visit family in Medford, as I do every winter post-xmas. I was nervous because I hadn't seen my mom in almost a year in person, and by this point my transition is not able to be ignored. 

Except it was. 


I was shocked. My mom said and did nothing unusual (outside of her usual grimace being in the same room with me) No, her commentary on our time together came some weeks later, via email.

"As for me, I must say that I haven’t been doing so well since I saw you last.  Don’t get me wrong, I love seeing you.  You make me laugh!   My heart is aching about your choices, how you’re manipulating your body into one that obviously you were not given.  I’m so sad about the loss of the daughter I carried and nurtured and had dreams and hopes for.  I’m sad that you’ve rejected the woman God created.  HE does not make mistakes.  I will always call you [given name], I will always call you my daughter.  Again, I would request that you not refer to yourself by this new name when you are corresponding with me.  How you and I go from here is tricky as you get deeper and deeper into an area that I consider dark and know is an insult to God"

This is not new. This is the same conversation we've been having for ten years now. So, I finally decided  I was done.  I drew up boundaries that I know she won't keep, but I don't think they are unreasonable. (for the record, all I asked was for her to use the right name/pronoun and to be respectful of the fact that I'm an adult and am entitled to my own life and making my own choices. That's it.

So, what was different about this particular  interaction, in comparison to others? Well, I finally laid it all out on the table. I said it all. Everything I tucked away in journals, and cursed under my breath at for years. And I reached my breaking point, I laid out what my needs are and walked away. 

 I have never felt more free. 

That being said, there is also a tremendous sadness that is inherent in this situation. It makes me sad on a very visceral level to cut those ties. But, in the same situation I have gained a tremendous sense of self. 

I felt like it was the final thing holding me back from being 100% myself. 

And now, its done.

Its a lot like in tarot. Folks see the death card, and they automatically think negative. Sometimes the death of one thing, is the rebirth of another. 



 

Update:

 Got a new razor. Merkur double sided safety razor :)
Its amazing, doesn't irritate my skin, the blades are about .15c a piece and they are 100% recyclable.. WIN!

<<-- Also, A new tattoo... Its the Oregon State Motto, which means "she flies with her own wings"

Simon

So, as I was driving home this morning,and on a side street, walking the other direction was a boy about 13 and he was visibly upset. I stopped at a stop sign  about 15 feet after I passed him, and got the weirdest urge to see if he was alright. So I did. I opened my door and called back to him, calling him over to where at least he could hear me.

I asked him if he was alright, and he stuck his chin up, and started pulling himself together as he walked toward me. I said "I just want to know if you're alright..." He nodded solemnly and announce "I'm Fine!". I asked again. He just nodded this time. I paused for a second, nodded  and got started getting back in my car. He stopped me and said " I don't really like talking, but thanks for stopping to see if I'm alright." and I swear this popped into my head "whatever IT is, that hurts like this, It gets better later on. Either because you change, or it does." 

I think I needed to hear it as much as he did. And the kid? His name is Simon. His classmates tease him because he's "fat" (his words not mine) and his Dad, is a real asshole too. I talked to him for 20 minutes before I sent him on his way back to the hell that is the eighth grade. I hope he makes it out in one piece.

If I was still in church, they'd chalk this up to the holy spirit working through me. And, I'm inclined to agree. Call it what you want, it was beautiful and heartbreaking.