Update.

The physicality of this process is overwhelming sometimes. Something is different week to week, sometimes day to day. And I feel bad for my best friends constantly having to inspect every new hair that arrives with the same "OOHs" and ""AHHS" that are usually saved for children's accomplishments. But this sis EXCITING to me. To see my body slowly morphing into the image I have always had of myself.  This last weekend my friends and family came out to throw me a "T" (testosterone) Party! To celebrate the starting of this leg of the journey. It was very, very fun. (pic below)
This week, a new show on the OWN (Oprah's) network called "Lisa Lings America" Chronicled the lives of six trans folks in varying stages of life. Watching the segment about Hailey (age six, formerly harry) brought tears to my eyes. Her parents, average middle class, church going citizens have had every belief they hold dear challenged by the existence of this beautiful child. And instead of fighting it, they have empowered Hailey (a name she chose, fyi) To assert herself as she see's fit. Everyday is an adventure of sparkly girly things and the happiness is palpable.
My sister told me after watching the show that this is exactly how I was as a child. Everyone knew something wasn't quite the same as "other children' and it didn't help that I stood in stark contrast to three sisters. I am hearing more and more that most people in my life "knew something"... how different my life would have been if I had been allowed at four, five, six years old to assert myself in the way I envisioned myself.

I get asked a lot if I wish i had just been born biologically male... And to that I can answer a resounding NO. I wouldn't trade this experience in for anything. It makes me who I am everyday. And I have a unique opportunity to reshape masculinity for the better, a task I attempt in small ways every single day.

This week I am noticing my facial hair is getting thicker, beyond the blond fuzz, and I presume that in two-three months time it will be visibly patterned across my face. My body hair is thickening up too. Leg hair, belly hair, arm hair.. all getting darker and thicker. I'm becoming the bear I always wanted to be ;)

"Dont Give up. Let Go"

Family is a touchy subject for a lot of queer/trans folks I know. We have become generations of folks raised by friends,the streets, and ourselves. So many of us spend our youths learning how to survive, inheriting a certain swagger, a little damaged but painfully aware of exactly what we are capable of. . . some of us can come out of that and form our own families, and repair the bruised relationships we had to leave behind us.

From the time I was a young teenager, my mother and I fought constantly. Brutal all out verbal (and sometimes physical) fights that left us both harbored in our corners unwilling to meet in the middle. I accept full responsibility for the things I did in those teenage years. I was no cakewalk to deal with, I know that. Constantly in trouble until literally the minute I entered high school... ( I was expelled from three schools, including two elementary schools..)  I was loud,insubordinate, bored, destructive and challenging. I was in now way the best older sibling I could have been. I was in no way the best kid.. but there were three things that my mom and I fought about constantly. My gender expression, and therefore my perceived sexuality, and my issues within our  church communities.

My story is very similar to a lot of other queer/ trans folks I know. I knew from a very young age that I wasn't who I was expected to be. I knew that in the deepest parts of me. But i can't say I ever felt "different" I maintain to this day that my "difference" was a status quo that was imposed on me.  Allowed to just BE myself, my mom and I could have had a radically different relationship instead of the harrowing, painful one we struggled through for years.

I have to say, a lot of my journey to the center of myself came from acceptance. Not of myself, but of other people. Wherever they may be in their lives. I allowed my mom a  lot of unnecessary power over my life because I wanted her to LIKE me. And in 2008, I reached my breaking point after a phone call where she screamed at me the most horrible string of expletives I have ever heard come out of anyone's mouth. After that, I literally moved 1200 miles away and cut all contact.. These last three years have been a slow rebuilding of a relationship on MY terms, and it has been hard, but very rewarding in a lot of ways.

That situation caused me to see the people that I had driven out of my life out of fear or anger and I really felt led to make amends with folks in a lot of realms of my life. And the blessings that have come from this, have been astounding.

I have to say certain people that have become such champions and supporters for me, are surprising, but so appreciated. My older sister Candice, has been a quiet advocate for me for a number of years, even when she didn't really " get it" and was also the first person I "came out" to. She has shown not just me, but our whole family that even if you may not understand someone completely, that is never an excuse to not love them.I love you sis.

My step mom Karen, who I put through the fuckin RINGER when she first married my dad, was always there for me, even when I was a difficult little shit. She has really been critical in the building of a good relationship with my Dad as well, And for that I will always be grateful.But I have to say the most important thing to me is that she makes an effort to understand somethings that are totally foreign to her. And this doesn't mean that we all have to agree but to respected in that way means the world to me. I look forward so much to the future of building those relationships and really enjoying each others company. I love you guys.

And lastly, My mom. She has to make this list. Because sometime around February 2010, something changed in our interaction, and I couldn't be more thrilled. Its not easy, and sometimes its still really painful, but the point is that we try, with firm boundaries in place I have left the door open to building an adult relationship I never imagined would exist. I know we were put in each others lives to test one another, and I am committed to doing my best to remain open,, and honest at all times and continually seek a good relationship.

I am getting a new tattoo this year that really has become such a motto for me. It's going to read:

"Don't give up. Let Go. "

To me, that sentiment is everything. 
The tighter you grasp the sand, the quicker it drops through your fingers..
Everything for a reason, everything in its right time.

This is just as important to me, as my transition, my career, my goals. Etc. Who I surround myself with, the relationships I have in my life. Thank you to all of you who have put up with me and continue to do so.
You  will never know how much it means to me.

-Connor.

A trip home

Hello folks in internet land...

I promised an update about my trip down to Southern Oregon, so here it is.

I left directly after work, and drove the four+ hours down to Medford, dropped off my rides-hare, and headed towards my parents house. After coming into the house, my mom, looked exhausted. My step dad was trying to program their brand new HUGE flat screen TV. I put my things in the other room and sat down in the living room to catch up.

I had specifically brought some information about my job to show my mom. I figured since the stuff we were being trained on currently was medical in nature, that we would have something to bond on, (my mom is a nurse) I was actually very excited to share this with her. The conversation went something like this...

Me:"hey mom, I brought some stuff to show you about my new job".
*30 second pause, arguing with my stepdad about the TV*
Mom: "whats that?"
Me:" Oh just learning about the different regions of the brain, what they do etc, fascinating stuff."
*another 30 second pause, which includes her blankly staring at the tv, the dogs, anything but engaging me*
Me: "Mom?"
Mom: "What was that honey?"

After about thirty minutes of this, I gave up and went to bed. Honestly,  I was hurt, but hoping for better interaction when we went to breakfast the next morning, just me and her. This proved to also be one if the most one sided conversations I'd ever had. We talked about my siblings, about how she hates her job, about the weather, all of it punctuated by 15-30 second intervals of her blankly staring off into space.
Honestly this was so weird for me. My WHOLE life we did nothing but fight and argue on bad days, replaced with bantering and discussions on better days. I have never seen her so apathetic. I was at a loss as how to respond.

But the one thing she didn't say anything about was the fairly obvious fact that I have started hormones. It was the giant pink elephant in the room.

Now, this trip was not all bad, or unpleasant. Shortly after I left my moms, I went  to see some family friends that I have known since around age five or so. Wonderful, amazing, brilliant people. We talked at length about my mom, my family in general. We talked about our jobs, our current events if you will. It felt so nice to be..engaged

I spent the rest of the time, visiting friends, many of whom I hadn't seen since high school ended. It was nice to catch up.

This trip was a lot of explaining what transitioning is. What it means, what it does, what happens. Its always a topic I am more than willing to talk about, and I know that's controversial in some ways. A lot of trans-folks I have encountered don't like to talk about it, and honestly that's fine with me, but when friends of mine from High school, who still live in our hometown want me to explain gender in general, and more in depth, I figure I am answering questions for them, that they can later answer for other people.I am personally willing to forgo privacy and be a person who will answer questions to anyone who is genuine in acquiring more knowledge on the topic. This often means discussing various uncomfortable things from time to time, like what is literally happening in my pants. But I want people to know. Because they aren't going to learn this stuff in school, or the media, or most of our families/friends.


Enough of our lives are spent making assumptions about each other.To me, there are literally no stupid questions, as long as the question-asker has the best intentions. Please ask, don't assume.

In general transition news:
The insomnia and hot flashes have momentarily ceased (thank GOD) I literally am discovering new face fuzz every day and I'm only two months in. :)

One of the "guys".....

  

(This is the most recent pic, of a cat, not consenting to cuddling. I Do it anyways, as I say in my house. Love is not optional.)



Hey folks in internet land...



I was doing so good with the updates, and then last week I went back to work.
A new job always presents a similar issue...how to address the fact that at least HALF the people in any given room (whether that be clients or fellow staff/managers) are very confused as to how to address me.

This is made even more glaringly apparent when you work with a 99% male staff, and 100% male clients...Some of the new guys I work with got it right away, or at least are calling me by the correct pronoun and interacting with me as one of the guys, the other folks, well they interact with me from the closest reference they can find...the fact that I am a citizen of HOMO-land. This includes  very friendly references to how many gay friends they have, how they are "totally cool with gay people".. etc. Now, from a roomful of straight, bio men.. This is a pretty cool thing. Its usually their awkward way of saying..."I'm on your side!" (which I appreciate!)

But here's the fucking awkward part.. how to bridge that topic... causally on a smoke break? Over coffee in a staff meeting? Tell one and hope he spreads the word? Group emails?  Its different every time, and I like most trans/queer folks have become a near expert on wiggling that reference, that comment that THING that makes the other persons ears almost visibly perk up, makes that perfect little entrance for the whole..."yes, i am a trans-guy. I'm on hormones. I'd like to be referenced as a guy."

I don't expect miracles from people, nor do I expect them to just know... I understand that 'coming out' is as much a part of my life as brushing my teeth or doing my laundry. Its just something that has be done...So as we have a week of training this week I'm bridging that hurdle.

As far as transition related news. I had TWO STRAIGHT WEEKS of insomnia. Mind numbing, crippling insomnia. Also, hot flashes.  A LOT of them. I hear this is normal. Its just now subsiding and I hope it stays far far away from me. I am NOT a pleasant person to be around tired,hungry,hot, and on an emotional roller-coaster.Welcome to hormone land, the worlds weirdest amusement park...In more positive news, i have noticeable fuzz on my cheeks, and my voice has dropped a bit. My musculature is shifting, and I I can see my leg hair is thickening up.  HUZZAH.

Also, as far as libido goes. I thought my friends were...exaggerating if you will. I thought maybe they were just saying that the sex drive went through the roof...Mine is visiting other solar systems entirely. I would go into detail, but I have family who peeks at this blog. No thanks.

Also, this weekend I am going to visit my family in Southern Oregon. More updates on that next week.

I will do my best to update at least once a week. Writing is my catharsis.

-More later-

Connor.

Riding off into some sort of sunset.

Its New Years, lets confess a secret shall we? My (not so)secret?

I really want to be a cowboy when I grow up. 

You think I'm kidding? I'm not.

I am not talking about a dude who has a big yard and buys a pony, but still lives technically in the city.....
I want to live in the middle of nowhere. I want to grow my own food. I love everything about the idea of rural life, even the part where you have to get up at 4am, when its 13 degrees out and even the 1500 pound horse with FUR is like "WTF dude who turned up the cold!?" I even like the hard work and the less than ideal weather and the fact that a storm could strand you for weeks without power.

I want to surround myself with land, to share, to use, to create space for people, and animals.

I am sure at this point you are going... um.. okay Connor, and this relates to gender/transition how?

It does because I want to be a fucking cowboy, and I'll tell you why.

In my first post I talked about a very important man in my life, that influenced me with his brand of masculinity, but I also had other folks I have looked up to in my life. Many of the men I grew up around were middle class, hard working, blue collar, tough guys. Many of them learned trades from their fathers, and stayed in a small town to raise their own kids, whether by choice or by circumstance. These guys, who I saw every time my dad brought me through the cafes,coffee spots and yes, bars where his friends hung out. They were giants in work boots, chain smoking in their carharts. Rough and crude they were the sailors of our town, and while there is much I DON'T admire about these guys, there is plenty I do.

My dad, for instance. Is the single most handy person on the planet. I think a combination of street smarts and necessity has created these abilities. And he will teach you anything you want to know, and fiercely loyal, he'd both get you out of a tight spot, and kick your ass when you make a bad choice... He respects and loves the physical place I grew up in such a powerful way, and all these things have stuck with me.

There's a lot of my small town ethics stuck to my ribs, and I like it that way. I want a simple, beautiful, sustainable life, that is rich in tradition and unconventional ways of doing things. There will be radical queers and country music in my future. I can bake vegan cookies and make killer ribs.  I like the idea of raising and keeping animals, but in a way that is sustainable and ethical in every way. I want to redefine family, and I can't wait to see what that looks like.

I'm gonna be a cowboy when I grow up,

I'm just here to mix it up.



(FYI I am currently between jobs, hence all the posts.ENJOY)

-Connor

How I got here...sex,gender,and sexuality

I remember the first time I ever saw someone I recognized as gender variant.

It was the spring of 2003, My obsession with Ani Difranco was in full swing, and I had just purchased her DVD "Render"and at the end of that DVD is a performance by the now defunct group Bitch and Animal. I remember seeing Animal  getting threatened with being arrested for being topless on stage, because he had a female body. His body resonated with me.

I took that feeling of kinship and hid it deep inside myself. Growing up in Medford,Oregon was challenging if you varied even very slightly out of societal norms. Having "odd" colored hair or riding a skateboard was enough of a reason for the cops to stop you, run your name, and pat you down for contraband. I was the only out "dyke" at that time at my high school. I was also very outspoken politically. This was a very dangerous time to be so, with the recent passing of Measure 36 (a similar bill to California's prop 8 that passed here in 2004) and G.W. Bush's reelection, anti queer sentiments were at an all time high. I felt safer just leaving my discovery to myself.

When I moved to Portland in 2006, I let myself explore a lot of avenues previously denied to me, and within a few months had come out to a small group of new peers and mentors as genderqueer and going by Connor, a name I had actually chosen the year before after years of wanting to change my name.

Queer culture is changing faster than it can redefine itself, and I try not to get caught up in labels and definitions, but i still very much identify as genderqueer, and queer in general.

At this time I was going to SMYRC and became very very involved in that community for a number of years. At this point I was still exclusively dating lesbian identified women, and trying to keep myself in that box. I don't think most people understand that there is a lot of unspoken societal pressure to just PICK who you are, (boy or girl) What you like (gay or straight). I never felt like I fit any of those boxes.And after a lot of trial and error and spending a lot of time being very frustrated and disingenuous, I decided to be who I was, the best  I could everyday, and love who I love along the way.

Gender, Sex,Sexuality,Identity they are all separate components of a much more intricate puzzle. The more we try and push eachother into these neat categories, the more we create a subculture of people who will never be willing or able to conform. I am one of these people. I knew since the moment I was first self-aware that I was not destined to live my life as a female person. This journey is life long, and it is far from easy, but THIS is the path I was meant to walk, and I have no doubt about that.

I spent much of my childhood and adolescence apologizing for who I was, what I wanted etc, and I will never again do that. I'm complicated and also stunningly simple. Yes, many of my physical masculine traits come in a tiny bottle, but my masculinity comes from me, from the center, and I am figuring it out as I go along. I will never have a typical life,relationships,family or experience, but i wouldn't have it any other way. And I will make no apologies along the way.

-Connor

New Years

Last night I closed out the decade with friends and family having a really good time. A few days ago, I moved into a new apartment with a good friend, and feel safe and settled. Also last week, I took my third testosterone shot.

The day I got my prescription I was ecstatic. I couldn't believe the wait was over.

I have been on it for 30 days now (a shot everyday 10 days).  Changes come on both slowly and waay faster than expected. I am excited to see how my body will take shape under the hands of this drug.

Things I have noticed.
My appetite (HOLY SHIT. I am HUNGRY)
Voice(dropped a little)
Hair (have some fuzz on my face, and legs mostly. Some on my belly too)

I am going home to see my mom this moth, and It should be interesting.